In the sunlight of your smile
In the summer of our life
In the magic of love
Storms above scattered away

Everything started to go right. In the midst of all the wrongs...all the fuck ups...Hank hitting me...Max telling me what to do...everything started to go right. Because of you. Because I put my hand on your chest and left silver paint tracks on your skin. Because I stole your mom's car and drove you all the way to Marathon. Because I grabbed you at the CrashDown and kissed you just to "calm you down" and then practically made love to you on the counter just weeks later. I wish I had.

Because I fell in love with you. Yeah, I can say it now. I fell in love with you. And it was great. It was gorgeous. It was loud and crazy and still the calmest, most secure thing in my wreck of a life.

I could lie in your arms and block out everything else...everyone else. I could block out the knowledge that I would never be as noble as Max. As sensitive as Isabel. As important as Liz Parker. I could forget that I was looking for my family in every shadow...every myth. River Dog. Nasedo. Tess. I could just bury my face in your hair and smell the cactus blossom scent of your shampoo. I could fool myself.

And then it ended.

Lovers dreaming in the night
Reaching for Paradise
But as the dark shadows fade
Love slips away

You slipped out of my fingers. Out of my arms. My fault. I drove you. Chased you. Threw words at you and made you go. More than once. The first time, you came back. The second time...the second time I wasn't so lucky. I should've known my luck would run out. I should've known you were on loan. Because I didn't deserve you. Because things were too right.

On an empty stretch of beach
in the pattern of the waves
Drawing pictures with my hand
in the sand, I see your face

I once spent hours drawing Atherton's geodesic dome...painting 14 different representations because it was my obsession. But you were a greater obsession. And I traced your eyes everywhere. On every surface. On the sand. In the ash. I've used up half the art supply store's tubes of gold and green just trying to pin down the exact color of your eyes and your hair. And nothing I've done comes close to the reality of you in my bed. Or you laughing at me as we neck in the CrashDown's cramped kitchen and try to avoid Jose's perverted stares. Or your hand thwacking me upside the head because I did something else dire to your mom's Jetta.

You still haunt me. Curse me. Bless me. Heal me.

Skipping pebbles on the sea
Wishing for Paradise
Sand castles crumble below
The restless tides ebb and flow
Listening to a shell
Hoping for your voice
Beautiful Maria of my soul

Maria. Maria. Maria. I wish I'd said your name more. Out loud its like a song. I wish I'd tagged on an "I love you" every time. I stand at the edge of the reservoir and I remember holding you tight at the very same spot. Sometimes I think I can hear your laugh floating back to me on the water. And I know its just my imagination. Just my soul crying out because you were so damn beautiful and I let you go. So beautiful. So caring. So you.
You never gave up. Why did I?

Though we'll always be apart
Locked forever in a dream
If I ever love again
Even then, nothing will change

Because I'm a coward. I'm a coward who still sees you behind his eyes even though I didn't dare to keep you in front of them. I know Isabel will always be here. She loves me--she's always loved me. I love her. But her arms don't feel the same. Her lips don't feel the same. And she doesn't fight me. She doesn't question. She doesn't have a crappy-assed car that I have to be warned about. And she will never be the one I see when I sleep. Where I'm safe. Back with you.

Is that why I sleep so much now? Why Max has to pound on the door for minutes on end? Why even the phone ringing won't wake me? Why I'm always late for my shifts? So I can see you in the one place that's still pure and sacred? Inside my head? You're always vivid there. Your skin glows. Your lips feel soft. And you laugh. You laugh as you lean forward and brush your berry mouth on mine.

Why would I want to leave that?

And the taste of you remains
Clinging to Paradise
But as the distance from you grows
All that my heart ever knows
Hunger for your kiss
Longing for your touch
Beautiful Maria of my soul.

Maria. My Maria. When we chat over the deep fryers or the grill, Jose calls you "Bella". And that's what you are. Bella Maria. My beautiful girlfriend. Always. Even though its over. Even though I can't see you...touch you...hold you. Even though I lost you when I walked away. More than once.

After all we've been through...who would've thought that it would take something as human and mechanical as a car crash to take you away from me again? Not aliens. Not alien hunters. The damn Jetta. And a telephone pole.

I drove you to it, didn't I?

Why can't I drive myself?

Why? Why, dammit?

Beautiful Maria of my soul

Why can't I sleep forever?